Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Golden Girls Take on 2016 Election (PARODY)

(Ok, I realize this is a little raunchy, but it was the Golden Girls.  If you didn't like that show or don't like a little political parody, then move along.

I saw a Designing Women scene that had been altered to talk about the 2016 election, so it got me to thinking about the Golden Girls and what they would think.  Here goes.  My apologies to the creators...)





Dorothy sits on the sofa reading a magazine. Disgusted, she throws the magazine aside and puts her hand to her face in a worried expression. Rose enters and sits down on the chair to Dorothy’s left. Blanche enters from the lanai holding a book and wearing a tight floral print sun dress with a very light matching jacket. 

Blanche sits down next to Dorothy and places her book on the table.  She notices the magazine, picks it up.

Blanche: I see you have been reading about politics again. Big Daddy always said there are just some things that should never be brought up in polite conversation.

Rose:  Oh yes, my mother always told me never to talk about what my father did after he ate onions, but sometimes you just had to say something.  I mean the smell was just aw...

Blanche:  We get it, Rose.

Dorothy:  I'm sorry, but I just don’t know how a major political party can elect a self-centered, egotistical, misogynistic, psychopath like Donald Trump to be their nominee for President.

Blanche:  See, you're already making me uncomfortable.

Dorothy:  Well, that could be the dress you're wearing.  If you slipped a dime in your pocket, you could probably read the date.

(Blanche gives Dorothy a dirty look. Sophia enters and is using a watering can to water the plants near the kitchen)

Blanche:  I understand why people don't like Donald, but, for the record, I like Donald Trump Jr.  He got all the good genes from his mommy and his father.  He can be my Commander-in-Chief anytime.

Dorothy:  Like that's some difficult position to hold!  

Blanche:  You're right, Dorothy.  I may be a good Southern Republican, but I cannot vote for Trump.  I'm thinking of voting for Gary Johnson.

Sofia (While continuing to water plants):  Is he the one with the squirrel on his head?

Dorothy:  Ma!

Sofia (Approaches the couch):  Well, all I'm saying is that if that thing scurries off his head during his State of the Union looking for nuts, don't be surprised.  It happened to Mussolini once.

(Sofia exits into the kitchen)

Rose: Oh I don’t know Dorothy. I’ve always kind of found Donald Trump interesting.

Dorothy: (Looking down over nose) Rose, what could you possibly find interesting about THAT MAN?

Rose: Well, he reminds me of Baron Von Flagen Flugen, the richest man in St. Olaf. He had to leave the Mayor’s race because of the Cow Milking Incident of 1938.

Dorothy: (Dramatic pause) Normally, I’d tell you to shut up, but I’m actually interested for some reason. 

Blanche:  Me too.  

(Sophia re-enters carrying a glass of milk and some chocolate chip cookies)

Sophia: Me three, I was listening from the kitchen. 

(Sophia sits down next to Dorothy)

Rose: Oh, Baron Von Flagen Flugen made his money selling dairy farms. You should see how he would buy up a farm, turn it around, and then sell it at a profit. You know he actually claimed to be the fastest cow milker in the world, and he got challenged by Hans Ver Mugen Slagen to prove it.

Dorothy: So, what happened?

Rose: Well, Baron had built himself the tallest building in St. Olaf. It was four stories tall and it said “Von Flagen Flugen” on the outside. It was a sight to see. 

Dorothy: Come on, tell me what happened when he was challenged, Rose. 

Rose: I’m just glad you’re interested in my stories. Most times you guys just tell me to 

Blanche and Dorothy: SHUT UP AND GET ON WITH IT (Rose with a dumb look) 

Blanche: Come on Rose, Sophia is not getting any younger, and I must get some cucumber slices on my eyes after being outside or else my eyelids will just get so puffy.

Sophia: If you put the rest of the salad all over your body will that cure the rest of your puffiness? 

(Blanche gives Sofia a dirty look.) 

Sophia: So, get on with it, ok? I’m not getting any younger here, and Blanche has a date with a cucumber. 

Rose: Ok, you see, Hans’s brother Lars was a bit of a trickster, and he played a trick on Baron and switched his cow out with a bull. So, he was surprised when he started milking his cow and… 

(Sophia looks at her glass of milk, sets it down on the table.) 

Blanche: I think we get the big picture Rose. 

Rose: You should have seen the sight. I mean there was Baron in his black suit covered in the bull’s… 

Dorothy: That’s enough, Rose. We understand. 

Rose:  It was quite the sticky situation!  Anyway, Baron was so embarrassed that he sold his farms and was never seen in St. Olaf again. I mean, think of it.  It was a big scandal.

Blanche:  What scandal?

Rose:  Well, don't you know?  Baron couldn't tell the difference between a cow and a bull.  He had to drop out of the Mayor's race.  Something like that is just unforgivable in St. Olaf.  

Dorothy:  Not to mention a good excuse to get a new suit. 

Sophia gets up off the sofa and heads for the door.

Dorothy:  Ma, where are you going?

Sophia:  I've had enough of this bull.  My friend is coming over to take me to Shady Pines.  It's Bingo Day.  Last time, I won a whole 25 cents.  At my age, I can't pass up that kind of dough.

(Sophia exits)

Dorothy:  Well, I'm going down to the local Democratic Headquarters to see if I can do anything to elect Hillary Clinton.  Rose, do you want to come with me?  

Rose:  Sure, I'll go.  I can make some phone calls.

Blanche:  I want to go.  Democratic men are great lovers. Maybe I'll run into that cute Martin O'Malley.  Just give me a moment to powder my nose.

Dorothy:  You're going to need more than a moment.

Rose:  So I heard Hillary was born in Chicago but was the First Lady of Arkansas.  When did they move Chicago to Arkansas?

Dorothy:  About the same time as your first lobotomy, Rose.  Come on...Blanche can catch up.  She's a Republican anyway.

Rose:  What's a Republican?

Dorothy:  Lord, give me strength!

End of Scene

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