Monday, October 29, 2012

Dispatches From the Edge

Pence Impressed I-ARM By Riding a White Horse
As you may know, it's back to work today for me.  So, I took the time to compile a bunch of dispatches from the campaign trail.  As an answer to my friend Abdul-Hakim Shabazz's Cheat Sheet, I have compiled some rumors and innuendo which came from the voices in my head.  Enjoy.

Razor Producers Endorse Pence
The Indiana Association of Razor Manufacturers or I-ARM have announced that they endorsed GOP candidate Mike Pence for Governor.  The president of the organization said that Mike Pence best represents their product.  Jimmy Shick said, "When is the last time Rupert shaved?"

He said that the organization definitely considered John Gregg, but that Pence is just better at "shaving the truth."  (Hat tip to Mike at @LoftyPlanet on Twitter for that joke).

Romney Makes Secret Visit
GOP Presidential candidate Mitt Romney made a secret visit to Indiana yesterday.  It was so secret that Indy Democrat's the only place you'll hear about it.

Apparently, Romney caught up with Mourdock while he was campaigning in Southern Indiana.  At a small town festival, Mourdock came upon a man in a Barack Obama mask.  Turns out, it wasn't Obama, it was Romney.

Disguised as his opponent, the squirrels on the back porch tell me that Romney pulled Mourdock close.  Romney was seen shaking Moudock's hand for an uncomfortably long period of time and saying, "Come on bro...really?  Really?  YOU are gonna mess this up for me?  Do you know how long I've been running for this office?  Really?"  Mourdock nodded uncomfortably.

We cannot confirm the reports that the Romney campaign sent Mourdock a muzzle to wear for the remainder of the campaign.  Reached for comment, Mourdock said, "MMM MMM  PHMMMMMPH.  MMMMM MMMMMM MMAAAMMMM.  WAAA WAAA MMM MMMPH."

Lugar Prepares for Retirement
Secretly delighted by the implosion of the Mourdock campaign, soon-to-be former Indiana Senator Richard Lugar continues to prepare for life after the Senate.  He was seen recently in Camby in Decatur Township just a few minutes from his family farm, applying for a job as a Wal-Mart greeter.

Indy Democrat sources overheard the interview for the job.  (Not meant to be a slam on Wal-Mart, FYI.)

Wal-Mart Human Resources:  What are your qualifications for this job?

Dick Lugar:  Well, I have served in the Senate for the last 36 years.

Wal-Mart Human Resources:  The Senate?

Dick Lugar:  Yes, the U.S. Senate.  I am currently the longest-serving Republican senator there well, until January.  That's when I can start.

Senator Lugar
Wal-Mart Human Resources:  Oh yeah, I knew you looked familiar.  You're that Moor-dock guy.

Dick Lugar:  No!  I'm Senator Dick Lugar.  That's the guy that defeated me in the Primary.  Mourdock.  Yeah, he was my opponent then.

Wal-Mart Human Resources:  So, had an unsuccessful finish to your last position.  I see here you've left a few references.  This Mitch Daniels...uh...Barack O-o-o

Dick Lugar:  Obama.  The President.

Wal-Mart Human Resources:  Oh yeah, and this...uhh...Bush guy.

Dick Lugar:  Yes, our 41st President, George H.W. Bush.

Wal-Mart Human Resources:  Well...ok.  Anyway, can you organize carts and greet people when they walk in?

Dick Lugar:  I met with Gaddafi, I think I can handle greeting people here in Camby.

Wal-Mart Human Resources:  Who?

Lugar:  You know, the former leader of Lib-y...Nevermind.  I don't remember job interviews being this hard.  It was easier to get the loose nukes under control in the former Soviet Union.

Wal-Mart Human Resources:  I went to Taco Bell last night, so I know what you mean.

Lugar:  (Looks puzzled)

Wal-Mart Human Resources:  Senator, with all due respect, you may be slightly overqualified for this position.  Have you thought about a spot in our electronics department or perhaps our deli?

Lugar:  Young man, thanks for your time.

Exasperated by the exchange, Lugar headed to the parking lot.  On his back bumper was a bumper sticker that said, "Don't blame me, I AM Richard Lugar."

Ballard Wakes Up from Ten Month Nap
It was revealed this week that Mayor Greg Ballard has actually been asleep for the first ten months of his new term.

Artist's Conception of Ballard nap
Ballard, who has been on several trade missions and has vetoed several City-County Council proposals including parts of the budget, apologized for being asleep and thanked Ryan Vaughn for running the city in his absence (Hat tip to Paul Ogden for that joke).  He said he couldn't explain why he looked so awake when he was just sleepwalking through his second term.  Ballard fell asleep shortly after the swearing-in ceremony.

After eating a large dinner, Ballard fell back to sleep.  Ryan Vaughn held a news conference a short time ago, "As for now, I am in control here in the City-County Building."

Council President Maggie Lewis could not be reached for comment.

Ballard's nap is hardly a record for a public official.  It is believed Dan Coats is asleep somewhere in Virginia right now.  He has been asleep since he took office in January of 2011.

That's all for now.  Have a great Monday!

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