Thursday, September 22, 2011

Top Secret Conversation Reveals New Name for Georgia Street


(Disclaimer) The details of the following blog post were translated from mouse-ese. The truth or falsity of some of these details may have shifted during shipping. Please, don't try this at home. In short, this is all in fun.

Indy Democrat informants, the mice in Greg Ballard's Office, phoned in this transcript of a recent discussion between Mayor Greg Ballard and some young advisors on renaming Georgia Street.

Advisor 1: Mr. Mayor, polls are showing that people just don't believe we should change the name of Georgia Street. We need to do something about it.

Advisor 2: Yes, Mr. Mayor, the last thing you want to do is upset the electorate right before an election. Don't you remember what happened when Mayor Peterson passed that public safety tax hike in 2007?

Mayor Ballard: Peterson? I've had enough of that guy. Who is he anyway?

Advisor 1: He's the guy you defeated to win this office.

Ballard: You mean Bart? That's his last name?

Advisor 2: (Shaking head) Yes, Mr. Mayor. Bart Peterson.

Ballard: Well, you're probably right. I shouldn't raise taxes.

Advisor 1: We aren't talking about that, sir.

Ballard: That's right. We want to name Georgia Street something else, right?

Advisor 2: Yes, but the public is against us.

Ballard: Now, when have we ever listened to the public. I mean, what do they really have to say? Indy Downtown wants to rename it, and I'm going to do it. I'm not a political guy, so I'm just going to let a corporation do my job.

Advisor 1: (Chuckling) Surely, you're kidding Mr. Mayor.

Ballard: Kindling? There's a fire? Oh my gosh! FIRE! FIRE!

Advisor 2: Calm down sir. No fire.

Frank Straub bursts into the room.

Straub: Sir, did I hear you say fire? You're not supposed to fire anyone without my approval.

Ballard: Oh yes, I'm sorry sir. My apologies.

Straub: Well, this is going to cost you. You're in timeout for five minutes. Get in the corner.

Advisor 1: No, Dr. Straub. The Mayor misunderstood me and thought I said kindling.

Ballard: Kindling? Fire?

Advisor 2: (exasperated) Mr. Mayor, there is no fire.

Straub: I TOLD YOU TO GET IN YOUR CORNER NOW! FIVE MINUTES!

Mayor Ballard slumps his head and walks to the corner.

(Five minutes later)

Straub: (Looking at his watch) Are you going to be a good Mayor?

Ballard: Yes, sir.

Straub: Ok, you can come out now. But no KFC Popcorn Chicken for you later.

Ballard: (Frowning and hanging head) Ok sir.

Straub leaves the room whistling the Imperial March.

Ballard: I'm glad he's gone. He can be a real doodyhead.

Straub: (From outside door) I HEARD THAT!

Ballard flashes a worried look.

Advisor 1: Now, sir, we need to discuss this Georgia Street thing. You have a big announcement in a couple of days, and we really need to know what you're thinking.

Ballard: Well, I look at it this way. It's been Georgia Street for 190 years, so I think it's time for a change.

Advisor 2: Some people would argue the opposite, Mr. Mayor.

Ballard: Well, they're doodyheads just like Straub.

Straub: (From outside door) IT'S DR. STRAUB!

Ballard: Sorry!

Advisor 1: Well, what do you want to name it Mr. Mayor? We have lots of suggestions. Hospitality Way, Champions Way, Hudnut Boulevard.

Ballard: (Laughing) You said Hudnut.

Advisor 2: Yes, why is that a problem that he said that.

Ballard: (Guffawing) That's just a funny word. Hudnut. Hehehehehehehe.

Advisor 1: Well, sir, he was arguably one of the best Mayors this city has ever seen. I mean, he was instrumental in bringing the Colts here.

Ballard: Yes, the Colts. I love going to see them play at Conseco Fieldhouse.

Advisor 2: Sir, I think you mean the Pacers.

Ballard: Yeah, them too. (Continues without a breath) I think we need something that captures the essence of Indianapolis. I mean, this is a showcase street.

Advisor 2: (Eagerly) Yes, sir, go on.

Ballard: So, I've decided to name the street "That Street that Runs Between Conseco Fieldhouse and the Convention Center Street"

Advisor 1: (Facepalm)

Advisor 2: (Facepalm)

Ballard: What?

Straub: (From outside door) Just name it after me!

Ballard: Doodyhead Drive?

Straub: (From outside door) WHAT?

Ballard: Sorry, Dr. Doodyhead Drive.

Straub: (From outside door) I should have stayed in New York.

And that's how the street formerly known as Georgia Street became henceforth known as Dr. Doodyhead Drive.

1 comment:

Alex Ralston said...

"There's other things that are planned for it which is necessitating the name change."

Besides the mayor's mangled language, 'there's other things' going on with his statement.

Sounds like naming rights in exchange for some sort of maintenance agreement. In which case, why did IDI waste time with the pseudo-naming contest?

Hospitality Way, brought to you by the Omni Severin?

Champions Way sponsored by the Colts/Pacers?

Out-of-business Way, brought to you by Nordstrom, Borders, and (bankrupt) Jillian's?

The Ballard Way, brought to you by B&T, Keystone Construction, ACS, and American Structurepoint?

This whole ordeal smells worse and worse by the day.