Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Predictions for Upcoming Months


This weekend, I whipped out the political crystal ball, and I was able to see a few things that I believe might or might not happen over the next few weeks. Unlike Abdul, I make no bones about the fact that this is all political horse puckey. Whatever that is. So, here we go!

Marvin Scott's Facebook Page operators start believing their own lies and urge the candidate to push for a recount because they didn't lose by 5,500 voters and get 46 percent of the vote in the 7th District race against Andre Carson. Instead, they lose by tens of thousands of votes and receive well less than 46 percent. Carson is easily re-elected.

Scott campaign manager Stan Solomon resigns after his Twitter scandal. After a complete 180, he becomes a liberal and starts hosting cultural sensitivity classes.

Mayor Greg Ballard is caught sleeping on the job by Bob Segal in a sweeps week WTHR report. Mayor blames a faulty alarm clock and no noon wake up call from Joe Loftus.

Terry Curry wins election as the first Democratic Marion County Prosecutor in 16 years. Carl Brizzi, however, refuses to relinquish the office saying that Tim Durham made him Prosecutor-for-Life over drinks at Harry and Izzy's. State Senator Frank Anderson is asked to re-enact his Baptist Temple raid and all is settled.

Public Safety Director Frank Straub is finally reassigned. Mayor Ballard appoints him police chief and moves Paul Ciesielski to Public Safety Director. "I believe these changes will bring about the reforms we need to see," said Ballard in a 2:00 p.m. Saturday News Conference.

Mitch Daniels gets tired of being asked if he's running for President and goes off on Chris Wallace during a Fox News interview. "Of course I'm running," said the Governor. "Don't you read Matt Tully's columns in the Indianapolis Star."

State Treasurer Richard Mourdock, State School Superintendent Tony Bennett, and Attorney General Greg Zoeller are found wandering aimlessly on the State House lawn. Once the bio-receiver connections to Governor Daniels' Office are fixed, they all three resume normal operation.

Local bloggers Gary Welsh and Abdul Hakim-Shabazz get into a battle royale-style fight. Abdul wins by throwing Welsh over the top rope and into a vat of martinis.

Dove World Outreach Center Pastor Terry Jones becomes the Republican frontrunner for the 2012 Presidential nomination.

George W. Bush nearly chokes on a potato chip. At a hastily called news conference, he accuses Frito Lay of being a terrorist and urges President Obama to launch a full attack on Fritoland.

Despite a strong run by his Democratic opponent, Ben Quayle is elected to Congress from Arizona. He quickly learns that it's difficult for a freshman Congressman to "knock the hell out of the place" and becomes frustrated. After calling his dad for help, he's caught at a local elementary school incorrectly spelling tomato. President Obama runs a web ad calling the Quayle family, "The Worst Spellers EVER."

In a rare occurrence, the election of Libertarian Lobo McDonttaxmebro in Wyoming's 2nd Congressional District creates a tie in the United States House with 217 members from each of the two major political parties winning election. The parties agree to an arm wrestling match between John Boehner and Nancy Pelosi to determine control of the House. Citing a sunburn, Boehner nominates Eric Cantor to represent the Republicans. Pelosi beats him in 2.2 seconds and the Democrats retain control of the House.

Brad Ellsworth defeats Dan Coats for election to the U.S. Senate. After conceding defeat, Coats goes home to North Carolina.

1 comment:

Paul K. Ogden said...

Actually I think these predictions are better than the ones Abdul comes up with.