Thursday, March 25, 2010

A Day In the Life of Governor Daniels...

(Please be aware that the following blog entry is for entertainment purposes only, so it's likely that I'm lying.)

Through a freedom of information act request, I have gotten access to Governor Mitch Daniels' top secret journal. Viewer discretion is advised.

6:00 a.m.-Alarm went off. I rolled out of bed to a ringing cell phone. It was (State School Superintendent Tony) Bennett. He asked if it was ok if he let the dogs out. I gave him permission.

6:05 a.m.-Hopped in the shower. Hot water wasn't working, so I did it quick.

6:10 a.m.-Started working on today's comb over.

6:45 a.m.-Finished working on today's comb over. Looks great.

7:00 a.m.-Hopped in RV 1 for ride to Governor's Mansion. Drove to 82nd and Meridian and then got on the the motorcycle for the last few miles.

7:30 a.m.-Arrived at the Governor's mansion. Cell phone was ringing. It was (Attorney General Greg) Zoeller. He wanted to know what he could have for breakfast. I told him go for eggs. He asked poached or fried. I told him fried. He wanted to know if he could have some hash browns, and I said he could. I gave him the freedom to pick his own drink.

7:32 a.m.-Zoeller called back to ask if he thought he should have milk or orange juice. I reluctantly told him orange juice.

7:35 a.m.-Got in the vehicle to go downtown to the State House.

7:39 a.m.-Zoeller called back and asked if he could wash the dishes. I gave him permission. He asked if he could do it by hand because he was out of dishwasher soap, so I said ok.

7:55 a.m.-Arrived at the Governor's Office. Played Farmville for a half an hour.

8:25 a.m.-(State Senator Luke) Kenley called asking if it was okay for him to drive to work this morning. I told him that he should walk. He said ok. So, I told him that I was kidding and he said ok.

8:45 a.m.-First phone call from (Indianapolis Mayor Greg) Ballard. He wanted to know what the phone number was for the Mayor's Action Center because he needed to report a pothole. I told him that he was the mayor. He said, "Oh yeah," and hung up.

9:22 a.m.-Phone call from Becky Skillman. She was in the checkout line at Marsh. She wanted to know paper or plastic. I told her to take paper.

9:48 a.m.-Zoeller called again asking if he should use blue or black ink to sign documents in his office. I asked him if had a red pen, and he said yes. I told him not to use the red pen but to stick it up his nose while using the black one. He said that he would do it.

10:30 a.m.-(State Treasurer Richard) Mourdock called to ask me if it was ok for him to sue someone. I told him no.

12:00 p.m.-Lunch with [redacted]. Discussed selling off the state name "Indiana" to latest fly-by-night company that might or might not deliver jobs to the state.

1:00 p.m.-Finished up lunch. [Secretary of State Todd] Rokita called and asked me if I could let him borrow the car this weekend. I told him he could.

1:00-3:00 p.m.-Played Mafia Wars in office. Stopped in time to take call from Zoeller again. He wanted to know if he could have his secretary water the office plants. I told him yes but not to water the cactus.

3:45 p.m.-Decided to try to slip out, but I got cornered by Bennett. He asked if it was ok to increase the number of school days to 500 per year. I shook my head and tried to explain why it would not work. I had talked him down to 399 days when his brain gave out and he fell asleep on the floor.

4:32 p.m.-Got back in the car for the ride to the Governor's Mansion. Took three calls from Becky Skillman about the running toilet in her office. I told her to shake the handle and file a work order.

5:00 p.m.-Arrived back at the Governor's Mansion and actually briefly thought about staying there. Decided not to. Drove back to RV-1 and went home.

5:55 p.m.-Arrived home. Incoming call from Tim Durham...didn't answer.

5:56 p.m.-Incoming call from Carl Brizzi. Answered, but I pretended that I had a bad signal.

5:57 p.m.-Incoming call from Carl Brizzi. Didn't answer.

6:00 p.m.-Finally back in the easy chair. Text from Bennett..."I Can Haz Cheezeburger? LOLOLOLOL ROFL" Geez...why did I give that guy my number.

6:30 p.m.-Planned 2012 Presidential Campaign with Rove on Conference Call. He said we should run on the "My Man Mitch" slogan and should have W. campaign with us.

7:45 p.m.-Disappointed to hear 3,000 jobs promised weren't going to happen. Decided not to revise statistics. (Like anyone will find out...good thing Bob Segal isn't out there)

9:45 p.m.-Played Chat Roulette. Ran into some crazy kids.

10:57 p.m.-Ready for bed. The Governor has had a long day.

11:37 p.m.-Phone call from Rokita. He asked if he should wear the red tie or the blue tie tomorrow. I told him, "Go bolo tie." He said ok.


Anonymous said...

This is hilarious. Thanks for the levity.

iPOPA said...


Except you missed two entries:

"Call from Greg Ballard wanting to let me know that the plan Steve Goldsmith and I hatched to sell the city water and wastewaster company for dimes on the dollar was working out great. Said he was getting french fries to celebrate."

"Tweet from Mark Massa reads...'What is your bidding today, my liege?' Replied by "coded" Snoopspeak e-mail to avoid detection: "Kizeep my diz-irt secr-iz-et until I'm Pres-iz-i-dent. Then I'll just piz-ardon my s-izelf."