Saturday, November 14, 2009

Ballard to Capitalize on Mice Problem at Lucas Oil Stadium

In a hastily-called News Conference Friday, Indianapolis Mayor Greg Ballard put forth a new plan to help pay for the day-to-day operation of Lucas Oil Stadium.

"We have decided to take advantage of the recent revelations that mice have infested Lucas Oil Stadium and have decided to charge each mouse a $25 a week infestation fee," said Ballard. Ballard said the new policy will bring in millions in revenue for the cash-strapped Capital Improvement Board.

Reached for comment, President Binky of the Mice of Lucas Oil Stadium said angrily, "SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAKEY SQUEAKETY SQUEAK. SQUEAL SQUEAL SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK." A mouse translator revealed that Binky said that Mayor Ballard failed to contact the mice organization before deciding to levy the fee. Binky added that many mice are being forced now to move out of the stadium due to the traps and the fee, which he calls exhorbitant. He also added that it's impossible for mice to pay the fee because, "SQUEAKETY SQUEAK SQUEAKETY SQUEEEAK! (We don't carry money!)"

When asked if he had concerns about the patrons of the stadium getting sick, Ballard said that he was not aware of the situation that mice caused disease "until right now when you told me. It's news to me."

Marion County GOP Chair Tom John immediately praised Ballard's decision. "This is the kind of leadership that Mayor Ballard has provided since he became Mayor. He is a problem solver and has shown the ability to solve complex issues like this one. In fact, I was in his office when he completed a 25-piece puzzle the other day."

For his part, Ballard was humble. "Hey...when life throws you tomatoes, you have to make lemonade," said the Mayor.

(Editor's Note: A little Saturday fun for you. Hope you enjoyed it.)


Anonymous said...

I always thought mice and RATS got along with each other.

Anonymous said...

What a great resource!

Juan L. said...

Wow, those are some angry mice! Have you thought about writing for the Daily Show? I would say use one of those Victor Multi-Kill traps, but then it would kill all those paying mice.